Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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