he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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