Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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