Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
