i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
