You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
