There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
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Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
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I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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