Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
