I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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