get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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