Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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