the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
grandma shit on top of the toilet
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
soo... how was my night?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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