My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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