I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Randomize
