This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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