I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
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