and you said cock pushups were impossible
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
