why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
