I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize