Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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