A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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