I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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