On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
