Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
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