I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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