don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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