... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
