Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
