Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
