i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
