i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
