Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
