I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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