my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple