I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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