On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
