My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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