God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
