She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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