we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
