lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
