my vag is so smooth its legendary
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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