quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Randomize
