He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
