I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
