i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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