Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
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and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
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i need to put some appletini on your dick
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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