dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
