feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
