Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
