I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
