if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize