Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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