the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
