Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
