The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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