Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
