my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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