my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just gift wrapped bread.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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