Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
