Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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