Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
