Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Randomize
