hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i need an iv and a liver transplant
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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